I have never been able to carry a child to term. At the time, i was young and I had a supportive man...who had also been told way before we met that he cant have kids of his own. We were like two messed up people trying the very best we could to raise a family. He eventually cheated on me and got a baby with someone else..and my journey began this time with someone who had no real idea of what i have been through..other than stories..he never knew how painful it was to go to a hospital pregnant only to find out the baby died way before you went in. It did happen to us once..and I remember he came and we cried and he held me the whole night. But the second time..after he found out i was pregnant, there was just silence. I still prayed and hoped that one day i will hold my baby. Alone or not, it was my promise from God. So i fought, i covered my baby in prayer, i went in for advice and searched for different doctors. I quit from my job..very early into the pregnancy because i was given bed rest at 8 weeks.
This whole time the only person who knew did not even check up on me. And i was too afraid to tell anyone because you never know the outcome. So i would stay in my room scared to death that even a little heartburn would make me rush to hospital. I remember this one time my doctor at the time told me I was paranoid..and that i should relax. I never stepped into his office again. Until i finally met a doctor that helped me see hope. Being alone also took a toll on me. I contemplated abortion, but asked myself.."what if this is the baby who was to survive it all? Could i ever forgive myself?" So i fought for my baby..and God saw us through. In our family, we have had cases of women dying during child birth. I had placental abruption..and my uterus was detaching from the wall of the uterus and was moving. There were days i would bleed..be in pain...but I still had hope. Until around 7 months everything went terribly wrong. I bled..and at the time i thought my water broke. But it was my amniotic fluid draining. We rushed to hospital..the baby was fine but wasn't in very good conditions seeing that there was very little amniotic fluid. I got some medicines to help the baby's lungs mature more quickly. But my doctor still wanted to wait it out..before inducing me.
I stayed in the hospital for 9 days...sometimes crying myself to sleep. Having machines strapped to my belly for them to see the baby's progress. 9 days without amniotic fluid..then i went into labour for 28 hours. I couldn't stand and dance like the rest. In the room we were only 3 of us. I would see them dancing and crying and running but i couldn't get out of my bed. Eventually my baby was born 1.7 kgs. Very small and premature. I was not able to hold her immediately after birth. I cried when i saw her..so tiny..buy still my child. I will never forget that feeling. So i was wheeled in to see her in her incubator..but cant remember much. But i remember very early i was up to try and pump milk..but i was told she can not feed. All this time other mothers have their kids by their side. I never slept. Sometimes i would hear her crying in my sleep those 2 hours i had to rest and I would wake up running 😂. The nurses even intervened and said if I continue like that without sleep my milk will disappear. I was later diagnosed with depression. And i didn't understand why i was always so angry at this special gift of mine. I was taking pills that will knock me out the whole day...i would be asleep.
But until i truly let go of the pain that her father put me through..i was able to see my blessing for what she is. Man, i love my Njambi. She is my rock..my world..i live and strive to be better for her. We moms...God made us super special.
When my son was six months old, I discovered that I was pregnant and I wanted to die! Why that was so hard was because I was going through post mortem depression, could not keep a domestic manager for a week and we could not afford another c-section, everything just seemed to fall apart. Many times in the night I wished my unborn child would die and then it dawned on me...How many women would love to conceive and carry a beautiful life in them, to term but couldn't. Immediately, I began to say thank you. God provided for the c-section and our beautiful baby Zuri was born! I love my kids, I love being a mother and I have an amazing supportive husband. Truly Grateful!
My journey is quite painful but all along God has been on our side. I had a beautiful relationship that bore fruits to a baby boy who is now 7 years old. after i gave birth my boyfriend started cheating.... after few months he asked for forgiveness and decided that we should live together. By then i had met his parents and vice versa. His parents loved me update. The first year of staying together was wonderful but on the second year he started his cheating habits again with the same lady( in fact he went to the coast for one week with her yet he had lied that he had gone for official duties. i later found out their pics online through the ladies account. ). I packed and left to my parents home because i had no job. Three months later he came to with his parents to ask for forgiveness and the naive me agreed to go back with him.
Two years later i conceived but my husband said that i should do away with the pregnancy coz he was not ready for a second child. He told me to leave his house coz he had also found another woman who he wanted to leave with( i later learnt that it was the same woman who he had previously cheated me with. i came across many messages from the the lady telling him to chase me so that they can start living together. The lady started abusing me saying that my husband wants to leave me but I am staying put. My husband became so bitter when i said that i will not procure an abortion. One day after i went to church he packed all my clothes and threw them outside. He sent me money via M-pesa to procure an abortion. He dearly loved his son and said that he will still provide for him. I went to leave with his parents who lived 100 meters away from us.( They are heaven sent) who supported me in all ways. After some time i told his parents that i will not continue to live there yet i could see my husband bringing that woman in our house. I decided not to tell my parents and left to live with a friend who gladly accommodated me. I left my Son with his parents coz he was still in a school nearby and he was the one who was paying school fees and again my friend could not accommodate the both of us. but his mum could bring him over to me all weekends. On the third month i suffered a miscarriage because i was totally stressed. after all this suffering i decided to seek God and i gave my life to God. He gave me extra ordinary peace. One day as i was coming from church i found those sales people giving out brochures on the road---i rarely pick but that day i picked. I went and applied for the sales job. i started working and after two months i was promoted to permanent basis with a good salary. I looked for my own house because i badly wanted to live with my son. I got a one bed roomed house but my son was not comfortable because my house had nothing( i left his fathers house with my clothes only) so i continued to stay alone as i continued buying few household items.
My ex husband traced where i was living ( courtesy of my son ) and he said that we should iron out our difference because he had done away with the other lady( i later came to learn that the lady got pregnant and he told her to procure an abortion which she did and that is how they broke up.) This time i was not willing to take him back( once a cheater always a cheater) but love is blind because i started allowing him into my house...he would sleep over for even a week begging me to go back but i refused. five months later we were still seeing each other and i realized that i was pregnant. When i told him he had no issue but he changed his plan of us living together... so i chased him away completely.( i later came to learn that he was seeing another lady who never knew that i existed... he used to lie to her that i live abroad and that i left my child behind and the case is with the lawyers..sic). I called the lady and explained to her the whole truth but she wasn't ready to leave him... in fact the very same month after i called her she fell pregnant( i came to learn this after she gave birth coz my son told me of the baby). My ex husband convinced her that my second born is not His...up to date he has never cared for my second son... He only picks my firstborn. He lost his job immediately he denied My second born son and up to date all his bills are paid by the lady including rent although they don't live together. My ex has become depressed and i hear sometimes he sleeps hungry.
After i gave birth to my second born i prayed to God to change the way things are because i would cry wherever His brother was picked by his father yet he was being ignored by his dad. And God is faithful because a friend who i had met in a cyber when i separated from my husband what-sapped me some undergraduate scholarships abroad. I applied last year November, became successful and i will be flying out of the country in a few months time. The country allows you to take your spouse and kids with you after 6 months of your stay there and they give you a monthly allowance of 40K and they even allow you to work part time because casual jobs are readily available. I have omitted so many details because in between my work i got promoted to a supervisory level where i have been earning a good salary enough to take care of my kids including my son who is in an expensive school. Some things happen in our lives so that we will Know God and see what he can do for us even when we are alone. Had i not separated from my husband i could have never gotten a chance to fly out of the country. He is the one who is now crying and begging me but I am not turning back.
ALWAYS TRUST IN GOD. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. EVERYTHING WORKS TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE HIM.
The first time I changed a baby's diaper was in 2012. I couldn't tell front to back. I was scared and nervous and I don't remember enjoying the moment. There are people who know or say they are not 'baby people'. I wasn't even conscious of whether I was a baby person or not until I held my first child. I cried when I first learned I was pregnant. I bought two pregnancy kits and asked my fiance now husband to purchase another on his way home. I was nervous, regretful and scared. We waited five minutes for the results. Those were the longest minutes of my life. Tears fell on my cheeks as we both read the results. He wasn't nervous at all. He held me tight, telling me everything was going to be OK. I didn't know how to feel.
Sometimes I feel like an imposter mother. I am clueless, nervous and I struggle. I struggle with balance like most mothers juggling careers, traffic and well life. I wonder if I am making the best decisions for them. I wonder if I am available enough for them. If I read enough for them, If I play enough with them or hold them enough. Sometimes I come home late, having stayed in the office late or having struggled with 2 hour traffic, and find them asleep and wonder what kind of mother I am, that can't even come home early to be with their children.
I worry about them. I worry for them. I hoover by their beds when they are asleep. Listening for their breathing, praying, pleading for them to the Most High. And I try to be brave. To be certain. To be confident. To be me. Because I know they are watching, picking up my insecurities, my doubts, my anxieties and even my fatigue.
I've come to learn that your best is the best of you. Being the best mother doesn't mean giving the best of toys. It doesn't mean taking your kids to the best of places. It is not even measured by the number of activities you engage with them. Being a good mother is giving them the best and truest version of yourself. I love my children more than words could ever explain. Love is felt. It is seen. It is heard. It is known. I want to raise children that are confident in their mother's love. Who see it, who feel it, who hear it. Children who know how to love. To love others, to love God, to love themselves and their gifts and personalities. This takes many forms and many ways but so long as it is intentional, love always wins.
I honestly never wanted to be a mother. I know that may sound selfish but I just did not see myself as being a mom. So when I found out I was pregnant you can imagine my reaction. Personally I am pro choice so I really thought hard about getting rid of the baby but after sitting and praying on it I decided to keep it. I mean, what did I have to lose and it's not like the father denied it. Fast-forward, I became a mum to a beautiful baby girl but postpartum depression got to me.
We never connected with my baby the first one and a half years of her life, I pushed her away emotionally and cried myself to sleep every night with very bad bad thoughts constantly running through my mind. With time I finally got better and even began my own depression awareness initiative called #ALIVE where I share people's stories on my instagram and facebook page.
Now my daughter is two years and we are closer than ever. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. To some motherhood cones naturally but to others like me, it is learned along the way
Due to recurrent fibroids in my early teens, I was advised to have babiesearly. At 19, I got married, got pregnant and gave birth to my firstborn in 1998. It was a difficult pregnancy.
My second pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage which was very disheartening.
My third and fourth pregnancies were successful but with alot of hospitalization.
I have my three babies at 18, 15 & 12.
I struggled with college after raising them to a school going age but I wouldn't have it any other way. At my age, I get asked alot with interviewers why I'm looking for entry level jobs but once I mention my babies and what it took to raise them, it breaks the ice.
I had my uterus removed when my last born was delivered through CS.
Thank you for this platform.
As I pulled my suitcase down the pavements towards the student halls the reality then dawned,I was now 7,000 miles away from my baby,you see I had never spent more than three nights away from my child and this was only when duty called and I had to travel out of town.Had I just chosen a degree over my child?This was the feeling of guilt that I would experience that morning and for many days and night to come for close to two years.
In the initial days I would call my mom morning,noon and night,never mind the high call charges.Some nights I would be paralyzed with the fear of something happening to my child.In this season God revealed to me that I had to let go of my child,and one night on my knees I told God OK since you are the omni -present one I let go.
Yet an equally amazing lesson that I had during this season was the amazing moms that I met who like me had left their children some children miles away .They like me had either chosen to pursue an education,come to work or in support of a spouse.It is the spark in their eye,the warmth of these conversation,the hope in all making sense someday that I saw a love so deep.In choosing whatever they seemed to have chosen they had chosen their babies.Each of their decision was driven by the desire for a better life for their children.That these women loved their children just as deeply as those who would have chosen otherwise.For me that what motherhood is,that's what motherhood does..whatever you choose even when you are on the face of it not choosing your child you really are,that's motherhood's default setting!
Growing up, every time I thought about what I'd like to be in future; I always concluded that I'd be a mother and a teacher.
Just like my mother. :)
What I did not know is that I would become a single mother at the age of 22. I was in my final year of campus.
After getting over the initial shock, I felt a calmness and peace in my soul. Sounds weird right?
Well, I was silently going through depression stemming from traumatic childhood experience. Knowing that I was going to have a baby dispelled all suicidal thoughts and depressing emotions. I knew and felt that I now had a reason to want to live.
I didn't feel worthless anymore. I was worthy for something, for someone. She is God's gift to me. My second chance at life.
I enjoyed my pregnancy. I experienced more joy in those nine months than my whole 21 years combined. I always had a prayer for my baby. That she would never experience the feelings of inadequacy that I did. That whomever would enter her life would only love her or love her.
Being an unmarried mother isn't easy but I have an amazing support system. Additionally, I have extra thick skin to say the least. :)
People may see a child as an inconvenience but I see Melanie as my reason to wake up every morning and face life's hurdles. Depressing thoughts are no match for her infectious laughter and amazing persona.
I have friends who like me became single mothers. I have to acknowledge that they may not have had an easy experience like mine. I would like to encourage them to look up to God as their strength, to believe that they are worthy regardless of what societal expectations they may face. To recognize that they have a unique purpose to fulfill on this earth.
Her name in Hebrew means God's grace lifts me up. It truly has kept me up. She laughs her heart out. You should be around her to experience that wonderful sound.
I thank God for my daughter. I thank Him for showing me that I am worthy by giving her to me as a gift.
I live, I learn, I love.
I came across #IAmMotherhood online and read many posts that I feel relieved to write this .I decided to get married after campus and got pregnant year 2015. Just like every other new mom I was happy with mixed reactions of how I was going to be a mom for the first time. Just when I thought everything would go as planned,tables turned.I received my bundle of joy past my due date through cesarean section of which I wasn't prepared for.3 months after birth and all alone trying to care for my baby ,nursing my wounds and house chores while my hubby went out to work and bring food to the table, I fell into the worst depression which destroyed my social life.I rely on my husband for everything but seems he can't provide for us. I now depend on my supportive family for almost everything especially my mum.Things are hard for me and I'm hoping for a second chance in life to redeem myself and take care of my son as I wished before. I'm angry,mad and sad at times I look at my son and cry especially at night as I watch him sleep soundly. To him I'm his everything and he depends on me while I don't have anything at hand only my love to offer. My son keeps my hope alive. At times feel inadequate to my son but I know all this will end .I am a hardworking person as I worked through my pregnancy till birth. I'm trusting in God for a renewed strength, sobber decision and breakthrough in this life.I am Motherhood because I've learnt to love beyond measure ,trust myself with no doubt and not showing my flaws to everyone since the world doesn't care.Above it all, trusting God. He knows it all.